April 22, 2005 (part1)

The last sentence in your e-mail told me to listen to 'yaad'...it was supposed to be one last e-mail from you, marking the beginning of our self-imposed ban on talking to one another. Had I known what was to happen just months later, I would never have gone back to being in touch just weeks later. In retrospect, I realise that the futility of that decision and the hasty implementation couldn't have lasted long...we would miss each other too much. But we learnt that the hard way and finally concluded that it was time to reverse things. Little did I know, things would never be the same...

Those eight weeks had changed you, had changed what I meant to you but you never told me. In your mind, you had already degraded me from being your best friend to hardly meaning anything to you, but you never said a word. Perhaps you no longer wanted to spare me any hurt later...I'll never know! The pain, the turmoil, the arguing, the confusion of the next few months was never as apparent and simple to understand as it seems today. The trust you'd forced me to believe in over the past two years blinded me, and veiled the truth. No, you didn't admit it! But you had changed...

Why did it take you four days just to ask me how I was after the accident? That should have indicated something to me...

The misery became vivid, gradually the gap widened...you shoved me further n' further away until 5 weeks ago you made it very clear that everything was lost between us. You had no concern left for me...not as a friend, not even as a human. I was too tired and miserable to retaliate; I gave in silently and we haven't talked eversince...

I thought the pain would never end - the hurt, the despair, the confusion, the tears would never stop. But then just five days were enough to give me perspective...perspective that rang so brutal and true that I was surprised it had taken me so long to see things in such clear light. The way you acted over the quarter break was more than enough. Words weren't needed - the absence of them spoke greater volumes. Unexpectedly, your treatment didn't kill me more bit by bit; it disgusted me instead. The frustration changed to resentment, the tears of hurt into anger...anger so pure and forceful that it shocked me even. What you did probably wrecked the image people had of me. To some, I provided an honest explanation hoping that my sincerity would somehow shine through my eyes and convince them...to others, I said nothing hoping that they'd realise themselves that I had done no wrong. I don't know yet what they think of me...I won't ask. I can't.

(to be continued...!)