And so it is...
It's odd that I make blogposts in my head almost every day...every other day, at least. Usually at night...when I'm brushing my teeth or looking for books that I might need to take with me the next morning - stuff like that. And the weirder part is that they come out so coherent and easy; the words just flow and, believe it or not, most of the time they're even quite amusing! And then, once I'm done with my "post" in a few minutes, I always think that I should sit down, there n' then, and type it all out. And somehow, I never do. And then, days later, when I sit down to actually write on my blog, I can't come up with anything to say; not even anything about the most menial, ordinary day-to-day stuff that's been going on lately. Maybe it's time to come up with an audio blog or something, eh? :)
Anyway, life's been a whirlwind lately...fact is, lately seems more like foreverrrr, but I've been told that it's only been a maximum of 10 weeks. 10 weeks of one quarter, that is. But it's been tough - honestly. The word "hectic" seems to have found so many new dimensions that I think I'm beginning to lose count of them now! I can't wait for it all to be over...just one day at a time, I keep on repeating to myself. And when even that sounds like too much to bear, I break it down into little 2 or 3-hour chunks and keep telling myself that the little chunk is all I need to think about and get through, 'cause the rest isn't a concern at that time. Sometimes, it works and I can get my mind to start behaving itself for long enough to get through the next hour or two, depending on whatever the specific time or task is. But, more often than not, it's just a stupid facade that I sometimes wonder why I'm putting up. I mean, how stupid is the very concept of trying to fool your ownself over something that you don't believe in? Isn't that one of the most superficial things a person can even think of doing?
And I don't mean only in times like I've mentioned...I mean it for so many other things. Every other little thing in life counts too. Why do we all try to lie to ourselves, though? I wonder sometimes. I really do. And, obviously, I don't know. If I did, I'd probably be rich n' famous by now..haha. I mean, what's there to gain from trying to hide the truth from yourself? Does it help to ease the pain? Does it make the hurt go away? Or does it even help by making one eventually believe the lie if it's repeated often enough and vehemently enough? I really, really doubt it. You can cast aside your fears, but you never really let go of them...you're just burying them deep, deep within...so deep that you think they're gone, they don't exist anymore. But it's all an illusion. Because they're still there. Buried so deep into the abyss of your very soul that you can't even feel their presence ordinarily. But they're still there. And they will surface again. Sooner than you ever thought, sooner than you ever wanted. So much sooner. And they leave you crushed and confused - so much worse than before. So much more confused and deluded....and then, you start it all over again. The same vicious cycle. Lies. Different ones, same purpose. Fabricated again. Told again. Still to your own self. Forced belief, forced acceptance...forced so viciously and deperately that it's hard to realise that it's all futile. And yet, we go on. Lying to ourselves...living in denial...knowing what we're doing and still doing it....
The other day, someone commented in a conversation that "in the end it's really how you think about it yourself that really counts.. beause it's only you who can convince yourself." That made me say that it might be true but then agian, it's also only yourself who you can't really lie to no matter how much you try to. Or really want to...or even need to.
So what does the paradox mean then? Is that all that life is worth? Just defining its paradoxes and lamenting them and then moving on?
Do such questions even exist? Or is it all just "in the head"? And if it is just there, does that make it any less real? Any less relevant? Was Descartes' evil genius not so evil after all, because that's how things actually are in this world? Or is the world itself just a figment of the imagination, and we all see it through our own blurred, shadowed, opinionated view-finders and each seek to see only what comforts them?
And why do we all ask such absurd questions in the first place? Everyone claims to be "looking for the answers", but never finds them. Maybe it's because no one's really searching whole-heartedly in the first place....
Truth is, maybe we're all too scared of the answers and so we shirk away from anything that contradicts our beliefs. Scared? What? Yes...scared, because at some level, we all know that we're shallow. And self-interested. Only. And we're scared that if we actually ponder life's questions with the intention of finding the answers, that's what we'll get. Plain, cold facts...about all of us. And even that is part of the self-imposed denial, buried beneath the scared lies we tell ourselves. Because, at the end of the day, all we care about is ourselves. All we can possibly care about is probably ourselves. You. Me. ALL of us.
And we hide it beneath a veneer of pseudo-intellect. We create and debate and ponder - and it's all pretense.
So, if that's how things are, it'll all build up and blow up in our faces one fine day, right? No, it won't. It'll all go on as it has been. Nothing will ever change...
I'll keep on deluding myself that I care. And you'll keep on living your life without noticing.
...just like you said it would be.
It's odd that I make blogposts in my head almost every day...every other day, at least. Usually at night...when I'm brushing my teeth or looking for books that I might need to take with me the next morning - stuff like that. And the weirder part is that they come out so coherent and easy; the words just flow and, believe it or not, most of the time they're even quite amusing! And then, once I'm done with my "post" in a few minutes, I always think that I should sit down, there n' then, and type it all out. And somehow, I never do. And then, days later, when I sit down to actually write on my blog, I can't come up with anything to say; not even anything about the most menial, ordinary day-to-day stuff that's been going on lately. Maybe it's time to come up with an audio blog or something, eh? :)
Anyway, life's been a whirlwind lately...fact is, lately seems more like foreverrrr, but I've been told that it's only been a maximum of 10 weeks. 10 weeks of one quarter, that is. But it's been tough - honestly. The word "hectic" seems to have found so many new dimensions that I think I'm beginning to lose count of them now! I can't wait for it all to be over...just one day at a time, I keep on repeating to myself. And when even that sounds like too much to bear, I break it down into little 2 or 3-hour chunks and keep telling myself that the little chunk is all I need to think about and get through, 'cause the rest isn't a concern at that time. Sometimes, it works and I can get my mind to start behaving itself for long enough to get through the next hour or two, depending on whatever the specific time or task is. But, more often than not, it's just a stupid facade that I sometimes wonder why I'm putting up. I mean, how stupid is the very concept of trying to fool your ownself over something that you don't believe in? Isn't that one of the most superficial things a person can even think of doing?
And I don't mean only in times like I've mentioned...I mean it for so many other things. Every other little thing in life counts too. Why do we all try to lie to ourselves, though? I wonder sometimes. I really do. And, obviously, I don't know. If I did, I'd probably be rich n' famous by now..haha. I mean, what's there to gain from trying to hide the truth from yourself? Does it help to ease the pain? Does it make the hurt go away? Or does it even help by making one eventually believe the lie if it's repeated often enough and vehemently enough? I really, really doubt it. You can cast aside your fears, but you never really let go of them...you're just burying them deep, deep within...so deep that you think they're gone, they don't exist anymore. But it's all an illusion. Because they're still there. Buried so deep into the abyss of your very soul that you can't even feel their presence ordinarily. But they're still there. And they will surface again. Sooner than you ever thought, sooner than you ever wanted. So much sooner. And they leave you crushed and confused - so much worse than before. So much more confused and deluded....and then, you start it all over again. The same vicious cycle. Lies. Different ones, same purpose. Fabricated again. Told again. Still to your own self. Forced belief, forced acceptance...forced so viciously and deperately that it's hard to realise that it's all futile. And yet, we go on. Lying to ourselves...living in denial...knowing what we're doing and still doing it....
The other day, someone commented in a conversation that "in the end it's really how you think about it yourself that really counts.. beause it's only you who can convince yourself." That made me say that it might be true but then agian, it's also only yourself who you can't really lie to no matter how much you try to. Or really want to...or even need to.
So what does the paradox mean then? Is that all that life is worth? Just defining its paradoxes and lamenting them and then moving on?
Do such questions even exist? Or is it all just "in the head"? And if it is just there, does that make it any less real? Any less relevant? Was Descartes' evil genius not so evil after all, because that's how things actually are in this world? Or is the world itself just a figment of the imagination, and we all see it through our own blurred, shadowed, opinionated view-finders and each seek to see only what comforts them?
And why do we all ask such absurd questions in the first place? Everyone claims to be "looking for the answers", but never finds them. Maybe it's because no one's really searching whole-heartedly in the first place....
Truth is, maybe we're all too scared of the answers and so we shirk away from anything that contradicts our beliefs. Scared? What? Yes...scared, because at some level, we all know that we're shallow. And self-interested. Only. And we're scared that if we actually ponder life's questions with the intention of finding the answers, that's what we'll get. Plain, cold facts...about all of us. And even that is part of the self-imposed denial, buried beneath the scared lies we tell ourselves. Because, at the end of the day, all we care about is ourselves. All we can possibly care about is probably ourselves. You. Me. ALL of us.
And we hide it beneath a veneer of pseudo-intellect. We create and debate and ponder - and it's all pretense.
So, if that's how things are, it'll all build up and blow up in our faces one fine day, right? No, it won't. It'll all go on as it has been. Nothing will ever change...
I'll keep on deluding myself that I care. And you'll keep on living your life without noticing.
...just like you said it would be.
posted by deranged_lunatic at 4:09 AM
4 comments
