April 22, 2005 (part2)

(continued from before...)

Till a few days ago I prided myself on reaching a place within myself where nothing you said or did concerned me any longer. I became invincible to the pain and hurt you'd made me grow accustomed to. I could pass by you without even a flicker of recognition, without wincing at the sharp throb that used to jolt my heart to remind me of my plight, without having to look away to hide the tears that always used to prick my eyelids at the countless memories...yes, I definitely thought I was ready to leave you behind as a mere part of my past which was now dead to me. I had achieved closure. Or so I thought. In the haste to erradicate those two years so that life could go on, I had managed to overlook one simple fact - I still cared about you. Despite thinking repeatedly in a futile attempt to convince myself that you were less than human, that you had never really cared, that you weren't even worth it anymore, deep down I did care! And I still do...

Unfortunately I am only human so I can't protect myself against the natural instincts of being concerned about those who are (or were) important to me. I can harden my heart against the world and not let any weakness of emotion show to others, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist inside. And every once in a while those emotions swell so ruthlessly that the once dormant ocean of feelings churns like the choppy seas, strangling and choking as it plows along... leaving me helpless, scared and alone. At that time, there is no way out. I am forcibly held captive within the realms of loneliness, where no one can listen or understand - and no one wants to.

You always knew how much you meant to me. You always knew that you truly were the first, and only, person in my life who I considered to be a REAL friend. That was because you taught me how to trust. I let go of logic and reason, and believed you. You told me to have faith in you. I did. You made empty promises, and I was reassured. You said you'd never change, you'd always be there no matter what, you'd never let go... I thought you meant every word you said, because I did. Every word I ever said, every promise I ever made, every bond I swore to keep - I meant it with my heart and soul. I still do.

Today, as I stand at this cross-road staring at the horizon, it has never felt this far away. My world and your world are now two separate places. This is how you wanted it, and this is how it has turned out. Ironically, all the regret tortures me alone. Not you. I know you're happy but I can't find within myself the strength to be happy for you. Not now. Not yet. The wounds are still too fresh, the hurt still prone to surface at the slightest indication. You are walking to someplace and the moment you see me you simply stop, turn around and change your path. Sometimes your indifference evokes mere disgust, sometimes anger, sometimes unconcern and sometimes I just want to run away and bury myself in some hidden corner of this world and just cry yet again...cry for all that I lost, for all that you've lost but don't know it, for all the cherished memories which are now just meaningless voids in my mind mocking me, for all the special moments that only friends can know and feel and share, for all the empty promises that were to be fulfilled when I came to university...for everything that ever mattered.

Maybe one day I will be strong enough to actually achieve closure. Maybe one day I will be able to find within my heart the sincerity to be grateful to God when you're happy. Maybe one day I'll want to trust someone again. Maybe one day someone else will say they care about me and actually mean it. Maybe one day I will find a 'friend'. Maybe...

But you know what the true irony is? Despite everything, that one email of yours permanently changed one thing. Even now whenever I listen to 'yaad'...it still makes me cry...