ghazab kiya teray vaade par aitebar kiya, tamaam raat qiyamat ka intezar kiya

Running the shampoo through my hair, I suddenly realised I was doing it almost aggressively - almost as if I needed to wash out more than just the dirt; almost as if I was unconsciously trying to dig down into the thoughts inside the head and throw them out as well, and cleanse myself of all false dreams and thoughts. As if I was attempting to rid my mind of all futile hopes and scrub viciously until there was nothing left except a small, scared bit of me facing the 'real' world.

In those few minutes I somehow realised what I had to do.

It's been over a week and I've been trying my best to follow the mind rather than the heart. I'm not sure how long I can keep up the facade. Maybe, I'll be so convincing that I'll fool my ownself one day and believe that I never felt anything for you. Or maybe, fate will choose a more cruel path and never let me forget.

It took me a minute to decide eventually but weeks, or maybe months, of turmoil before that to get where I am now. At some level I probably always knew that nothing can ever happen. Nothing should happen or will. Ever. But, ironically, often knowing something doesn't help to understand it quicker. Or better. It even took me a week to gather the courage to write because writing somehow puts a cruel aura of finality on the whole situation.

Writing is no longer an escape route to purge myself, it's a confrontation with the fear that I always pretended never existed.

Yet it was always there. Lurking in the deepest corner of the soul, threatening to conquer at the slightest indication. One day it had to be let loose. It was probably just a matter of time. A mere matter of time. I can't be anyone significant in your life. That's all there is to it. Maybe because I'm not good enough for you, maybe because it's just not meant to be, maybe because...I don't even know. I never will. Because I'll never let you find out. Not because I'm scared that you'll ridicule me or never talk to me again, but because I don't want to embarrass you. Or hurt you, if there's the slightest possibility of that. You mean too much. Still.

No, you'll never know and I'll keep on greeting you every day, or every other day, with a smile because I'll still be genuinely happy to see you. That won't change. I'll still care. As much as I possibly, humanly can... and then some more. I don't know if you're worth it or not, but I will nevertheless. I swear you'll never know the hurt that you unknowingly caused. Regret later? Perhaps. Probably, in fact. But I still will. But no more false beliefs or notions of what 'might' happen one day. Because it won't.

I'm trying to think of it as just another fork along the road of life, and I have to take the left side or the right. Not a decision between the 'right' and 'wrong' path according to me, because I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. The difference between the two is more blurred than ever. So I won't even try to discern it anymore, or try to make myself understand or accept anything. I just need the strength to go on. Stand at the fork in the road and walk along the path that you need to I keep telling myself. After all there have been countless decisions I've already made in life. Deciding between one route and the other. We all do it. It's just another one of those instances where you think for a moment, decide and then, walk on with life...

There's just one small difference between all those times and this time. As always, I'll walk on. Past the fork in this road and, as always, the world will see me travelling further along.

But, this time, I'll have left my heart behind...

it's an illusion

I swore I'd never save random msn conversations ever again because months later they make me cry or feel disgusted or lost or helpless - all over again. And, yet, I've started doing it again. Not often. Just sometimes. On some random whim, even though I know the cost of it. But maybe, just maybe, one day opening them up will make me smile instead. It's a long shot, but I need justification. Any absurdity to comfort myself for now. Because it's all absurd. It's all bloody absurd. Knowing one thing, wanting another. Wanting one thing and never knowing what to do. Knowing that it's not meant to be, but futilely wanting a miracle. Not believing in miracles, but wanting them nevertheless...

It's an illusion.

Staunch refusal to accept plain, hard facts. Self-imposed denial of reality.

How much longer can it keep on going? Someday the facade must shatter. Someday it will. I know.

But I just want to be a friend. I promise. I promise! Today and forever. But even that is an aura of disbelief. Because for some, I'll never be worth that even.

It makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. Be hysterical and despondent in the same breath.

I wonder how much longer I can fool myself....

19 down, how many more to go...??

Sometimes - just sometimes - I feel like a spoilt brat. An absolutely spoilt, shallow brat! And as hateful it sounds, once in a while I think it's legal. Even though ammi said, when I said this to her a few hours ago, keh wasting a little of my own money to make myself happy doesn't make me spoilt. Or a brat. Although she thinks I'm both for other reasons! haha

I have a weird feeling those last few lines weren't coherent and didn't make a lot of sense. I'm too tired to try to edit them. So what if they are nonsensical?! They should be if I've slept 6 hours over the last 48 hours...maybe even over more than two days in fact.

It's funny to remember how I childishly used to feel each year that when I'd wake up on my birthday, I'd somehow feel different. Older, perhaps. Or more wise, at times. And, obviously, I'd wake up the same crazy, immature and loud person that I've been all my life. It wouldn't sadden me - of course not! But sometimes it was like a little deflation to the balloon of happiness swelling inside on those mornings. Because if I didn't feel different, if the morning felt to ME the same as every morning had felt for as long as I could remember then how was it different if it was my birthday?! (as if THAT made any sense! But I just can't really put this feeling into words somehow!)

So I realised this years ago...that a birthday didn't mean growing up a year, it just meant growing up a day. And since I got to experience that pretty frequently (every 24 hours to be precise) then there was nothing different, no matter how much I thought it might be. Or should be. But what's hopelessly ironic is that I still somehow manage to work myself up into a frenzy of excitement before that day. And, more often than not, I still somehow believe that I'll be wiser the next morning. It's ridiculous. And absurd. And yet, sometimes I want to have these stupid philosophies ... which I can cook up myself, share with myself and then laugh at myself. No outside intervention and I can get a kick outta myself! Now tell me, anything wrong with that?! :)

Right now, I'm not making any decisions for the next year. No ambitions, no dreams, no goals. No aspirations. Not now, not yet. Maybe later. But for now, I just know one thing. I'm beginning to learn what my priorities in life are. I'm somehow starting to realise who matters to me, and who doesn't. Who I couldn't care less about, and who I care more and more about even if sometimes I don't know it. And, miraculously, I'm also beginning to teach myself to live knowing that sometimes people don't care back. Not much, at least. There's no law saying if you really, really care about someone they have to care back the same way. So, if they don't...well tough luck, I gotta face it! And if I still care despite knowing it, then maybe that person is worth it...

It may not be worth it (as opposed to "it's worth it!”), but they probably are...

This year I just want to be happy. Whatever that is, however that is. Yes, I realise that it sounds hopelessly selfish and the whole 'spoilt brat' concept comes back to mind but if I can pray for certain other people's happiness, then is it such a crime to wish for my own once in a while?! Especially if most of it stems from knowing and feeling and seeing their joy – and sometimes being privileged enough to being part of it. Being allowed to share the sanctity of someone’s sweet memories. Being invited to witness someone fall in love. Being able to see the lopsided grins and serenity that shines from within when someone finds their inner peace…

Yes, I may not always be able to make a difference, but I do care. I know that. And, sometimes, I’ll never stop caring. That’s a promise. To anyone and everyone I genuinely cherish and respect and admire, whether they know it or not.

Today, I just want to be happy. And then, when I know that I am, I want to thank God over and over again for bringing me to the place where I know... that’s my birthday wish…

Cheers Everyone!