19 down, how many more to go...??

Sometimes - just sometimes - I feel like a spoilt brat. An absolutely spoilt, shallow brat! And as hateful it sounds, once in a while I think it's legal. Even though ammi said, when I said this to her a few hours ago, keh wasting a little of my own money to make myself happy doesn't make me spoilt. Or a brat. Although she thinks I'm both for other reasons! haha

I have a weird feeling those last few lines weren't coherent and didn't make a lot of sense. I'm too tired to try to edit them. So what if they are nonsensical?! They should be if I've slept 6 hours over the last 48 hours...maybe even over more than two days in fact.

It's funny to remember how I childishly used to feel each year that when I'd wake up on my birthday, I'd somehow feel different. Older, perhaps. Or more wise, at times. And, obviously, I'd wake up the same crazy, immature and loud person that I've been all my life. It wouldn't sadden me - of course not! But sometimes it was like a little deflation to the balloon of happiness swelling inside on those mornings. Because if I didn't feel different, if the morning felt to ME the same as every morning had felt for as long as I could remember then how was it different if it was my birthday?! (as if THAT made any sense! But I just can't really put this feeling into words somehow!)

So I realised this years ago...that a birthday didn't mean growing up a year, it just meant growing up a day. And since I got to experience that pretty frequently (every 24 hours to be precise) then there was nothing different, no matter how much I thought it might be. Or should be. But what's hopelessly ironic is that I still somehow manage to work myself up into a frenzy of excitement before that day. And, more often than not, I still somehow believe that I'll be wiser the next morning. It's ridiculous. And absurd. And yet, sometimes I want to have these stupid philosophies ... which I can cook up myself, share with myself and then laugh at myself. No outside intervention and I can get a kick outta myself! Now tell me, anything wrong with that?! :)

Right now, I'm not making any decisions for the next year. No ambitions, no dreams, no goals. No aspirations. Not now, not yet. Maybe later. But for now, I just know one thing. I'm beginning to learn what my priorities in life are. I'm somehow starting to realise who matters to me, and who doesn't. Who I couldn't care less about, and who I care more and more about even if sometimes I don't know it. And, miraculously, I'm also beginning to teach myself to live knowing that sometimes people don't care back. Not much, at least. There's no law saying if you really, really care about someone they have to care back the same way. So, if they don't...well tough luck, I gotta face it! And if I still care despite knowing it, then maybe that person is worth it...

It may not be worth it (as opposed to "it's worth it!”), but they probably are...

This year I just want to be happy. Whatever that is, however that is. Yes, I realise that it sounds hopelessly selfish and the whole 'spoilt brat' concept comes back to mind but if I can pray for certain other people's happiness, then is it such a crime to wish for my own once in a while?! Especially if most of it stems from knowing and feeling and seeing their joy – and sometimes being privileged enough to being part of it. Being allowed to share the sanctity of someone’s sweet memories. Being invited to witness someone fall in love. Being able to see the lopsided grins and serenity that shines from within when someone finds their inner peace…

Yes, I may not always be able to make a difference, but I do care. I know that. And, sometimes, I’ll never stop caring. That’s a promise. To anyone and everyone I genuinely cherish and respect and admire, whether they know it or not.

Today, I just want to be happy. And then, when I know that I am, I want to thank God over and over again for bringing me to the place where I know... that’s my birthday wish…

Cheers Everyone!