Yesteryears.

I'm not so audacious as to claim myself to be someone who has tons of amazingly close friends or anything; quite the contrary in fact. However, I am sure of one thing and that's the fact that I'm not a fair-weather friend. Never! If I genuinely care about someone then I'll go out of my way to do anything and everything for that person. And the trouble is that, more than often, I learn to care too easily. And trust too quickly. Somehow or the other, I always manage to attach myself to people way to soon for my own good. I know it, and yet I always end up doing it. I hate myself for that. And then, even when I know not to, I tend to have expectations from others. It's stupid, especially since I know it's my own fault if I get hurt, but I just can't help doing it...it's a horrible feeling, but it is what it is and maybe I can't change that...

Sometimes, I honestly wish I could just turn back time and remain a little kid for ever. Even a few years backwards might do the trick. Back to when the most intriguing issues in life were being unbeatable at dodge-the-ball, being on the netball team and spending hours playing throwball at school, be it June or December. When it didn't matter that you didn't have one or two special, 'best' friends because it wasn't weird to hang out with everyone. When no one judged you for being overweight or loud-mouthed, and no one cared that you had bad skin, unruly hair and non-existent interest in the latest fads and fashions. When school was not a cut-throat competition, rather it was just a place to have fun and get good grades without studying hard. When the fact that guys existed in the world couldn't matter less to you because they were less important than the most meaningless creatures in the world. When the biggest fear on a week-day was not how to have the courage to speak up in class and score CP, because it was much more difficult to stay still and keep quiet in class for more than five minutes. When the word 'heartache' was something you thought you knew without realising that you hadn't the slightest idea of what hurt could actually be. When you'd laugh your head in ridicule if someone suggested that one day you'd be sitting in a room full of people, attending a philosophy class, physically present but otherwise withdrawn, with meaningless tears blurring your vision every now and then because you just wouldn't know where to go... because you just wouldn't know how to handle it... because you just wouldn't know if it was all even worth it......

As childish as it sounds, sometimes I just want to go back to being the happy-go-lucky person that I lost track of...sometimes I wonder if I've really forgotten how to not care about people who don't care about me...sometimes I wish I never had to grow up...

...sometimes I wish I was the Peter Pan who makes it to Neverland - never to grow up and never to come back!