Life goes on...

Over the past two years, not a day has gone by when I don’t think of Amna. If she were still here, I doubt I would’ve said that last sentence. It’s just so ironic how you really realise someone’s worth only when they’re no longer there with you.

We were getting to know each other a whole lot better during those days, but I still couldn’t be counted as one of her closest friends. But when she left, it drastically changed something in my life too. My perspective, I think. The way I looked at death altered overnight, and the value and certainty of life almost faded away for a long time. It’s been quite a while but the effect hasn’t completely gone. It won’t. Ever. Seeing death, feeling it, hearing about it no longer affects me in the same way. It’s not that the fear is gone, or the sorrow. But it’s just a very different feeling deep down. It can’t really be described.

There are so many regrets in life, but one of the greatest is not having spent more time with Amna when she was still here. Sometimes I unconsciously feel that if I’d known her better, been a better friend, felt her misery earlier…maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe. I know it’s an illogical, irrational, senseless feeling but sometimes it still lingers.

Thinking about Amna would always make me cry until I realised that she’s probably happier up there…wherever she is. That’s what I’m going to choose to believe. And pray. Even if I’m not sure these days if I believe in the miracle of prayer, she might have believed. Remembering her is now peaceful, not sad. And Amna, if you look down on us sometimes I hope you know that netball isn’t half as much fun without you! ;)

As they say, life still goes on. So it does. And it always will. The world doesn’t stop for anyone’s misery ‘cause if it did time would come to a standstill. Even my life hasn’t stopped. But memories live on even if people don’t…they may be merciless and torturous often, but sometimes they’re all you have to hold on to. And when you’re helpless, sometimes you’ll hold on to the weakest link you have. And that’s what I’m going to do tonight.