ghazab kiya teray vaade par aitebar kiya, tamaam raat qiyamat ka intezar kiya

Running the shampoo through my hair, I suddenly realised I was doing it almost aggressively - almost as if I needed to wash out more than just the dirt; almost as if I was unconsciously trying to dig down into the thoughts inside the head and throw them out as well, and cleanse myself of all false dreams and thoughts. As if I was attempting to rid my mind of all futile hopes and scrub viciously until there was nothing left except a small, scared bit of me facing the 'real' world.

In those few minutes I somehow realised what I had to do.

It's been over a week and I've been trying my best to follow the mind rather than the heart. I'm not sure how long I can keep up the facade. Maybe, I'll be so convincing that I'll fool my ownself one day and believe that I never felt anything for you. Or maybe, fate will choose a more cruel path and never let me forget.

It took me a minute to decide eventually but weeks, or maybe months, of turmoil before that to get where I am now. At some level I probably always knew that nothing can ever happen. Nothing should happen or will. Ever. But, ironically, often knowing something doesn't help to understand it quicker. Or better. It even took me a week to gather the courage to write because writing somehow puts a cruel aura of finality on the whole situation.

Writing is no longer an escape route to purge myself, it's a confrontation with the fear that I always pretended never existed.

Yet it was always there. Lurking in the deepest corner of the soul, threatening to conquer at the slightest indication. One day it had to be let loose. It was probably just a matter of time. A mere matter of time. I can't be anyone significant in your life. That's all there is to it. Maybe because I'm not good enough for you, maybe because it's just not meant to be, maybe because...I don't even know. I never will. Because I'll never let you find out. Not because I'm scared that you'll ridicule me or never talk to me again, but because I don't want to embarrass you. Or hurt you, if there's the slightest possibility of that. You mean too much. Still.

No, you'll never know and I'll keep on greeting you every day, or every other day, with a smile because I'll still be genuinely happy to see you. That won't change. I'll still care. As much as I possibly, humanly can... and then some more. I don't know if you're worth it or not, but I will nevertheless. I swear you'll never know the hurt that you unknowingly caused. Regret later? Perhaps. Probably, in fact. But I still will. But no more false beliefs or notions of what 'might' happen one day. Because it won't.

I'm trying to think of it as just another fork along the road of life, and I have to take the left side or the right. Not a decision between the 'right' and 'wrong' path according to me, because I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. The difference between the two is more blurred than ever. So I won't even try to discern it anymore, or try to make myself understand or accept anything. I just need the strength to go on. Stand at the fork in the road and walk along the path that you need to I keep telling myself. After all there have been countless decisions I've already made in life. Deciding between one route and the other. We all do it. It's just another one of those instances where you think for a moment, decide and then, walk on with life...

There's just one small difference between all those times and this time. As always, I'll walk on. Past the fork in this road and, as always, the world will see me travelling further along.

But, this time, I'll have left my heart behind...