regret...

I’ve always believed that regret is one of the most difficult and torturous feelings one can have to deal with. Ironically, knowing this has never caused me to give myself less opportunities to regret something I said or did – or lack of them. Even when I have pondered over the possible dire consequences of something that I want to do and I know it’ll definitely prove to be a risky venture, all of a sudden I’ll give in to all resistances and plunge ahead…even if it means that I might spend the next few days or weeks drowning in wretched regret. I often do.

The latest case of my troublesome spontaneity occurred only yesterday, so tonight is just the beginning of another long haul of wanting to bang my head in the wall purely out of frustration and anger at my own idiotic ness. I spent two whole days, prior to yesterday, simply weighing my options – should I not take any risks and just live without knowing the truth about something that has been irking and puzzling me, or should I succumb to my insatiable curiosity in order to proceed with my careful sleuthing? It sounds terribly vague right now, but I dare not delve into the grotesque details :) The risk of losing the battle of wills to my curio may sound even more foolish to an impartial observer, but to me it mattered a lot– and still does! The fear of creating a false, untrue impression of myself in front of someone who doesn’t know me well was supreme; the opinion they would be bound to form of me after my little inquisitiveness-session would certainly be derogatory, and I would be unjustified to blame them for it. So… in other words, I had a lot to lose, and next to nothing to gain…

Knowing all that, yesterday I faltered – as usual!! I purposely caused someone to think I am strange and peculiar… and just plain weird! Most people I know will say that I shouldn’t care about what other people think of me, because their opinions don’t matter…I already know that! Usually, it really doesn’t make any difference. But sometimes it does. With some people, it’s just different. What they think of me does concern me and I can’t help it…

But I lost the chance I had…I caused a permanent scar, which I know I will regret for a long, long time. The regret shrouds me tighter and tighter like a relentless vise that does not let go, no matter how much I beg and plead. It is suffocating, it is merciless. I try to forget and run away but it does not let me. It mocks at me as I raise my hands in desperation, begging for it to go away. It jeers at my futile efforts to wipe it from my soul…it is immortal, invincible in its unparalleled glory…...

while I am only human.