Chain of Fools

I’ve been wanting to post on my blog for the past few days, but somehow I could not get myself to write…forget worthwhile, I just could not write anything at all. I wonder if it’s writer’s bloc, or merely that I’m way too lazy to do anything properly these days. Anyhow, I wanted to post tonight so I thought I might as well just list down whatever’s been going on for the past few days...

For those who still don’t know, exams FINALLY ended!!!! In fact, it’s been about three days now since the last exam, and I couldn’t be more relieved. Right after that microeconomics paper I spent the next 24 hours in a hyper frenzy … anyone who was unfortunate enough to catch me on msn during that time can testify my eccentricity and craziness! :) Anyway, so that means that I hereby officially declare myself as a one-eighth lums graduate! Haha… yes yes I DO realise that such a term does not exist and, even if it did, my second quarter result is yet to be determined. In other words, there does exist the possibility that I fail some course and have to repeat, or that the final exams get left out in the rain and are washed away, or that bolan loses it completely and messes up our grades, or that the universe simply comes to an end and, thus, I never get this quarter’s result! However me being the hopeless, unwavering optimist that I am, I choose to believe that the chances of any of the above occurrences actually taking place are miniscule. Of course, I’m implying that these probabilities do not take into consideration the last possibility I mentioned above because that event is very much expected in the very near future! But other than the universe collapsing one bright sunny morning, other afore mentioned potential (and more grave) disasters are not about to happen! *crosses her fingers*

On another ‘high’ note, STAR WORLD IS BACKKKK!!! Yeah, I know it’s been almost a week now but I reckon I still haven’t completely recovered from the shock or happiness. I know that my mother was not very amused to be woken up from deep slumber in the middle of the night by the sound of a hooligan shrieking absurdly somewhere in the vicinity of her bedroom, and that she was even less amused to find out that the hooligan was, in fact, one of her own descendants. However, the discovery of the ‘return of star world’ is such sheer joy that its profundity can not be conveyed to such beings…after all, what would these lesser mortals understand of the importance of this channel in someone’s life?!?

And, incase any one of you are pondering over a similar question, fear not for I am about to explain. Star World is back…therefore, AMERICAN IDOL IS BACK!!! Wooohoooo!!!! That, in itself, is a cause to celebrate. And I have been doing so religiously ever since. After all, the wrath of unimportant individuals in my life (like parents, for instance) does not scare me when I already understand where my true loyalties lie.

Furthermore, ‘American Idol back on television’ also reminds me that Carrie will be appearing on the results show this week….ah yes! Yet another reason for a devoted fan to lose her mind in desperate anticipation. *sigh* At times like this when I remember that there have been countless instances in the past where I have sat alone in hopeless misery wondering what my purpose in life is, it just makes me laugh! How could I have been SO clueless?!?!

Ohkayyy, I just realised suddenly that this post has taken an extremely bizarre turn. All the serious stuff about next quarter’s courses and the weekend trip to Gujranwala and the debate about whether I should join the ‘Reading Circle’ at university and the fact that I got my mobile’s gprs activated and it’s a rip-off never came up anywhere. Oh, and also the dilemma about whether to join violin classes or classical dance lessons. Oh well, another time I guess because this has gotten pretty long as it is. I’m sorry folks, now you’ll have to go search for your own entertainment for ‘tis late now and I have a very busy schedule planned for myself for tomorrow…I must be well-rested in order to be fresh enough to thoroughly enjoy and lose myself in yet another day of doing absolutely nothing tomorrow!

Life goes on...

Over the past two years, not a day has gone by when I don’t think of Amna. If she were still here, I doubt I would’ve said that last sentence. It’s just so ironic how you really realise someone’s worth only when they’re no longer there with you.

We were getting to know each other a whole lot better during those days, but I still couldn’t be counted as one of her closest friends. But when she left, it drastically changed something in my life too. My perspective, I think. The way I looked at death altered overnight, and the value and certainty of life almost faded away for a long time. It’s been quite a while but the effect hasn’t completely gone. It won’t. Ever. Seeing death, feeling it, hearing about it no longer affects me in the same way. It’s not that the fear is gone, or the sorrow. But it’s just a very different feeling deep down. It can’t really be described.

There are so many regrets in life, but one of the greatest is not having spent more time with Amna when she was still here. Sometimes I unconsciously feel that if I’d known her better, been a better friend, felt her misery earlier…maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe. I know it’s an illogical, irrational, senseless feeling but sometimes it still lingers.

Thinking about Amna would always make me cry until I realised that she’s probably happier up there…wherever she is. That’s what I’m going to choose to believe. And pray. Even if I’m not sure these days if I believe in the miracle of prayer, she might have believed. Remembering her is now peaceful, not sad. And Amna, if you look down on us sometimes I hope you know that netball isn’t half as much fun without you! ;)

As they say, life still goes on. So it does. And it always will. The world doesn’t stop for anyone’s misery ‘cause if it did time would come to a standstill. Even my life hasn’t stopped. But memories live on even if people don’t…they may be merciless and torturous often, but sometimes they’re all you have to hold on to. And when you’re helpless, sometimes you’ll hold on to the weakest link you have. And that’s what I’m going to do tonight.

My heart has a sinking feeling... and I know that it is not love.

All I want to do right now is cry. Cry without shame… and cry until all the hurt goes away. From every core of my being, from every corner of my soul. Until I exhaust every single dram of energy my body could possibly contain, until I know that I have dried up inside. For all that has gone wrong, for all that will go wrong when tomorrow begins. Till my head throbs and my heartbeat turns so slow from the effort that it might stop, till my soul sets free.

And then my mind will be weary and somnolent, but my existence rekindled. There will be no more pain, and no more regret. No more remorse, and no more repentance. My spirit will be cleansed… pure and untainted, forgiven and at peace.

So that I may wake up to sin again.

I don't know what to say...

We lost the ODI series :'(

My soul had been stirred...

Today I re-learnt the beauty of music. It was a lesson worth the wait.

I sat there watching in silence. Feeling like an unwanted beginner being introduced to a new world. Feeling like an intruder breaking into sacred ground. I didn't want to, yet I thought that I should probably leave. But something compelled me to stay. It took a few minutes for the enchantment to begin...for the magic to touch me.

First, I had been watching. Then I went on to listening. But now I saw. The pulsating beat of the drum as it provided the backbone to the music. The drumsticks spelling out its guidance. The bass echoing its accompaniment, its vibrations low and soothing. And the guitar. So apparently different and yet so close to the steady beats. So complicated, yet so simple if you just stared at the fingers...caressing the strings ever so gently, but knowingly. Stroking them so lovingly, yet unyieldingly. Almost as if gliding over the guitar, giving it sound. Slow, and then fast. Ever so fast. Flying over the strings, up and down...up and down. Leading the magic. Steering it single-handedly. And then the room itself. Merging the three sounds together as if they were meant to be. As if they were, in reality, simply one. Untainted. Ethereal.

Those few minutes probably passed by in a little while. In that short time, I might've lived an eternity... and then returned to earth. The feeling is inexplicable; the emotion unfathomable. Still. It came for its time, and it took me away with it. To soar. To imagine. To dream. And...to believe.

I wanted time to stand still. From now until eternity. And then some more. And it still wouldn't be enough. The purity of those moments were undiscovered till then. Unknown to me. I remained as still and silent as I had been since I sat down but deep within, it was just as different... heart dipped and soared uncontrollably, spirit roused with a mind of its own. Fear and serenity became one, while happiness and misery were no longer two separate words. When melancholy was painful, yet peaceful. When music became agony. And I realised that agony was beautiful.

My soul had been stirred.

And just as suddenly, it all ended. The music stopped, and the magic of the moment faded away. Back to other world where it came from. It was as if I had woken up from a dream only to find myself back in the same world. The same place as always. The same people as ever.

I was back to the same despair, the same helplessness, the same hurt. The very same. A few moments later, the music started again. But I knew that I had lived my time in that room. Now, it was time to leave.

Take it away...please! Just take it all away..

Someone, somehow...please just make it all go away!! I go down on my knees in desperation...begging, pleading, crying. I scream, I yell, I shout...for someone. Anyone. No one comes. No one can hear me. Or maybe they can. Still, no one comes. No one at all. Is it a sign? Is it some sort of an indication?...I don't know. I can't think straight, no matter how hard I try. Nothing makes sense any more. I'm trapped within this whirlwind of emotions...each more morbid than the last one. Each leaving me more drained and in so much more pitiful, meaningless, wretched sorrow and despair than the last one. I just want it all to end! But I can't make it.

I know I've tried...determinedly at first, and now half-heartedly. Is it time to give up? 'Give up on what?' a voice in my mind questions from far away...I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore. Am I really a failure? Already? But I had so much to live for. Had...not have. The present already seems to be a part of the past. My past. It was once mine, I tell them. But they no longer believe me. It was once mine, I plead again. But in vain. They say that I have nothing left to live for. I fall silent, for there is nothing I can say to that. Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. For I know they are right.

What is happening to me? I don't know. I'm searching for answers to questions unasked; I already know it is a futile quest. It will end in even more misery. Is that even possible? I don't know. Will it end? Will I ever be able to overcome it...will I ever be able to put an end to it? Or will it end me first? I don't know. But maybe I don't care either. Not anymore. Right now, right here...nothing matters anymore.

This is it. This is how it will end. With me writhing and screaming in pain... surrounded by people. No one will even turn to look. No one will come close to hold me. No one will shed a tear at the pitiful sight. No one will even ask what is wrong...for no one wants to know. No one will listen. Is it really time to give up on it all? Already? So soon?

I really don't know!

Or is it all a mere figment of my over-active imagination? Is this, in fact, what they call 'reality'? Perhaps. Am I the one who was been a fool all along? Am I just too darn weak to face it all? Is this my destiny? Is it all my own fault...my own doing? No one is ready to answer that even...

What happens next? I wish I knew...oh how I wish I just knew...!!!

Tomorrow will be a new day

In a dark, almost-hidden corner of the room, she smiles. It is not a happy gesture. That one simple unconscious moment goes by unnoticed...untouched...untainted. No one gives it a second thought. In fact, few give it any thought at all. Even she, herself, is unable to fathom the depth of expression and vulnerability that was evident in those few seconds, had anyone cared enough to notice. She sees a young toddler run by, giggling, and the purity of the child's innocence and joy make her smile again. Still, she doesn't realise, it is an expression fraught with her despair...her misery, her anguish...she thinks she has buried it all, she thinks it can not surface, she believes she has left it in some corner of her soul so many layers deep that it can not be touched anymore. In her simplicity, she has no idea that her pain is evident in her every move...her fear, subtle but omnipresent, in her every gesture...

Sometimes, she wonders how life might have been had it been any different. Other times, she can not imagine things any differently no matter how much she wants to. Or needs to.

No one pays any attention as she quietly gets up, makes her way to the door, and gently treads outside barefoot. The midnight hour casts its eerie moon-lit shadows on the grass, but to her it is so much more comforting than the presence of those people she has left inside. The dark hues of the night seem tender and unthreatening...the silhouettes soft and warm, despite the chilly breeze surrounding the house... the quietness of the pitch-black night a stark and welcome constrast from the world as she knows it.

For a while she just walks in circles, aware only of the frightened beating of her heart and then of the cool, dewy grass she is treading upon. Wet and fresh. Deliciously fresh. She just walks and walks on, one foot after the other, unknowest of what it is that she is searching for. She doesn't know. She doesn't want know.

Hours, or maybe minutes, later, for she has no idea how long she's been out there...she stops. The incessant walking has left her slightly breathless, the cold wind has numbed her cheeks and hands.

Breathing heavily she starts spinning. Slowly first, with her eyes wide open, staring at the world as it begins to go round, and then fast...faster and faster...with arms spread out wide and the cold piercing through her soul, chilly and brutal until it freezes her spirit. Yet she doesn't stop. She closes her eyes, not just against the trees and walls surrounding her, but against the whole world. She feels time stand still. Yet she doesn't stop. A sudden bout of nausea hits her and she realises for a second that she might throw up. Yet she doesn't stop. Faster and faster she spins. Faster and faster...until she can hear nothing, not even her own ragged breath... until she can think of nothing, focus on absolutely nothing... until she can see nothing, not even the void behind her closed lids... until she can feel nothing except God's presence...

She crashes to the ground, too dizzy to comprehend anything for a long time. The beads of sweat mingle with the bittersweet tears coursing down her numb cheeks, and she can not make out the difference between the two. She lies there until her breathing returns to normal, and her heart starts beating at its normal pace once again. She does not understand what came over her just minutes ago. Somehow she realises that she is not meant to understand. Not now. Not yet.

Her spirit cleansed and her heart reborn, she quietly and calmly makes her way back... to the dark, almost-hidden corner of the room. No one notices her return.

A strange aura of serenity descends upon her. It is an odd, unknown feeling. Unexplored territory. But she senses that it was meant to be. For the first time in her life, she does not feel threatened. Rather, she knows she is at peace. With herself. With her world. The thought makes her smile...

But it is a happy gesture.

'A Fine Balance'

Yesterday, I finished reading 'A Fine Balance'. I haven't been able to decide yet whether it was a good decision or a foolhardy one. On one hand, it was an enjoyable affair, especially the spasmodic intervals which held me captivated and intrigued. However, in retrospect, there is simply so much that left me cold. Too much, perhaps. So many characters' ends so sudden and brutal...almost as if mocking the glory of their beings, almost as if jeering at their mere right to existence...

I didn't want to symapthise with his characters, for pitying them would be condescending. I have no reason to be so.

I don't even say that my disagreement lies within the claim that so many of the characters died, leaving me sad; rather, it lies within the staunch belief that Rohinton Mistry simply opted for the easy way out. After nurturing his characters for hundreds of pages, he then needed to leave them standing at the brink of their futures - whether bleak or optimistic remains his duty and right, not mine. But after having guided them all along, making them tread the paths of their lives so carefully and lovingly, after watching them grow and evolve, I felt that leaving them in the manner he chose to suggests abandoning them - giving up on them. It seems disrespectful, and they deserved better. That's all that saddened me. His decision to leave his main characters either dead under trains, murdered by lunatics or simply in utmost despair and poverty despite their toiling hard all their lives... I still believe he ended his story in a way that was just so easy for him to write about, without giving much thought to how fitting those endings would seem to his readers...and I do wish he hadn't spoilt his book like that!

Anyway, I'm ending this post on a thoroughly unrelated note. I just realised it's February 7...three and a half hours left for it to end at this very moment. The date stands out in my mind right now because a friend has been dreading yet anticipating it for quite a while. I wonder if anything expected or wanted (or even unexpected or unwanted!) has come out of the day yet...I have no idea, but all I know is that I really, really hope it doesn't turn out to be a let-down in any sense! :)

starts with goodbye...

Today I listened to 'Wish You Were Here' by Pink Floyd...and I really wished that you were here.

The strangest part is that when I say this, I have no idea who 'you' is supposed to be. Because there is no one in particular I was thinking of. No one at all... even when I tried to think. No one. Not a friend, not a foe, not anyone else.

Maybe one day I will know. Because, maybe one day, there will be someone...anyone. Someone who I can sit with in complete silence and yet feel all my worries slowly drift away. Where explanations are not necessary. Where the absence of words is sometimes so much more beautiful and comforting than words of consolation. When the most depressing and sinister conversations leave you feeling oddly serene. When the thought of loneliness makes you smile... smile because you know it is a feeling so far away that it cannot touch you. Not now at least. Maybe some other time. But definitely not now.

...yes, I know it is all just meaningless talk right now. Mere folly, one might say. But no harm in futile thinking, right? After all, who knows what tomorrow brings....