April 22, 2005 (part2)

(continued from before...)

Till a few days ago I prided myself on reaching a place within myself where nothing you said or did concerned me any longer. I became invincible to the pain and hurt you'd made me grow accustomed to. I could pass by you without even a flicker of recognition, without wincing at the sharp throb that used to jolt my heart to remind me of my plight, without having to look away to hide the tears that always used to prick my eyelids at the countless memories...yes, I definitely thought I was ready to leave you behind as a mere part of my past which was now dead to me. I had achieved closure. Or so I thought. In the haste to erradicate those two years so that life could go on, I had managed to overlook one simple fact - I still cared about you. Despite thinking repeatedly in a futile attempt to convince myself that you were less than human, that you had never really cared, that you weren't even worth it anymore, deep down I did care! And I still do...

Unfortunately I am only human so I can't protect myself against the natural instincts of being concerned about those who are (or were) important to me. I can harden my heart against the world and not let any weakness of emotion show to others, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist inside. And every once in a while those emotions swell so ruthlessly that the once dormant ocean of feelings churns like the choppy seas, strangling and choking as it plows along... leaving me helpless, scared and alone. At that time, there is no way out. I am forcibly held captive within the realms of loneliness, where no one can listen or understand - and no one wants to.

You always knew how much you meant to me. You always knew that you truly were the first, and only, person in my life who I considered to be a REAL friend. That was because you taught me how to trust. I let go of logic and reason, and believed you. You told me to have faith in you. I did. You made empty promises, and I was reassured. You said you'd never change, you'd always be there no matter what, you'd never let go... I thought you meant every word you said, because I did. Every word I ever said, every promise I ever made, every bond I swore to keep - I meant it with my heart and soul. I still do.

Today, as I stand at this cross-road staring at the horizon, it has never felt this far away. My world and your world are now two separate places. This is how you wanted it, and this is how it has turned out. Ironically, all the regret tortures me alone. Not you. I know you're happy but I can't find within myself the strength to be happy for you. Not now. Not yet. The wounds are still too fresh, the hurt still prone to surface at the slightest indication. You are walking to someplace and the moment you see me you simply stop, turn around and change your path. Sometimes your indifference evokes mere disgust, sometimes anger, sometimes unconcern and sometimes I just want to run away and bury myself in some hidden corner of this world and just cry yet again...cry for all that I lost, for all that you've lost but don't know it, for all the cherished memories which are now just meaningless voids in my mind mocking me, for all the special moments that only friends can know and feel and share, for all the empty promises that were to be fulfilled when I came to university...for everything that ever mattered.

Maybe one day I will be strong enough to actually achieve closure. Maybe one day I will be able to find within my heart the sincerity to be grateful to God when you're happy. Maybe one day I'll want to trust someone again. Maybe one day someone else will say they care about me and actually mean it. Maybe one day I will find a 'friend'. Maybe...

But you know what the true irony is? Despite everything, that one email of yours permanently changed one thing. Even now whenever I listen to 'yaad'...it still makes me cry...

foggy mornings

I'm definitely not a morning person but foggy, blistery, winter early mornings are somehow an explanation for my eccentricity...

I started my day to a Bo Bice song instead of the customary sound of Carrie Underwood in the car with me belting out my off-key accompaniment, I tried to logically reason that it was not idiotic if I wanted to give a beggar-uncle money at the Jail Road-Canal intersection because I found him cute, I had a very serious (and seemingly normal at that time!) discussion about whether that white-ish, golden-ish 'thing' hanging in the sky partially subdued by the thick mist was the sun or the moon, I explained that taking in deep breaths when it's just cold and when it's also foggy yield totally different results, I thoroughly enjoyed the walk from the parking lot to the warm labs in the library building despite chattering teeth and my frozen self and, as ashamed as it makes me now to admit it, I even claimed that I was looking forward to studying microeconomics over the weekend!

...And all this achieved in just over an hour of being awake!

But I also thanked God for the millionth time for making me live in Lahore, where the most secretive, misty, mind-numbingly chilly, so-called depressing mornings and late nights of the winter months make me feel more alive than anything else in the world. The beauty of the morbid silence and loneliness that engulfs when treading the dewy grass or frosty paths is uncomparable; the biting, brutal cold that pierces through the warm layers of sweaters deep down into the soul and spreads through the body like poison is a much more heart-warming feeling than all the love in the world...am I merely an unconventional individual? Or do wintry mornings actually make me crazy?!!

lumun'05

I noticed that most of the people whose blogs I read have made a post about their lumun experience. Not wanting to be left behind, I decided to make my own contribution to the aspect even if it's kind of late now. But instead of a usual post I'm going to list down the stuff that the experience taught me.

So, in no particular order, the top 15 lessons that I learnt during LUMUN'05 are that :-

1. the PDC machine will always overflow the cup when you're trying to make cappucino, so you have to rely purely on your reflexes to snatch it away in that split second which defines the thin line between the perfect combination of coffee n' milk and a huge mess!

2. people that you've known very well all your life will turn against you all of a sudden and resort to low, underhand tactics if it's convenient for them even if it potentially means ruining your reputation.

3. I finally know the exact locations of each of the auditoriums in the academic block - a feat that I am understandably proud of because most people I know can only differentiate between the two floors. Oh n' this addition to my knowledge is all thanks to my director :)

4. when you spend 12 hours a day with people you've never seen before, you do tend to bond.

5. the khoka coffee will burn your hand reaaalll bad if you don't use a double cup.

6. even though it sounds impossible, there do exist people who can manage, organise, handle the most absurd requests and problems, deal with weird delegates and their issues, listen to constant bickering around them and still run their part of the show so very efficiently and smoothly, without raising their voice at anyone even once throughout the five days! *points to her director again*

7. people you've known for only two days can turn out to be truly inspirational - the way they'll go out of their way to stick up for you is amazing, especially when you mean nothing to them because they don't even know you all that well. (this one is actually for one particular person who i love for being on my side on the whole committee-changing issue...even though she probably doesn't even know why the issue was so important to me and how much her support meant!)

8. spray paint does set off the fire alarm :P

9. ms-powerpoint isn't a useless software; it has so many more functions than I ever fathomed!

10. it's a pretty good feeling knowing that you were able to ensure that a deserving person got some credit, even if it was indirect, for all the work they've done...and an even better feeling knowing that by doing so you robbed someone else, who's a mere pretentious act, of some limelight :D (and I swear that having a father who's a journalist wanting to conduct several interviews has absolutely nothing to do with anything i just implied! hehe)

11. the football field is huger than it seems! (anyone who doesn't believe me should make several trips to the warehouse...I'll be stunned if they still disagree!)

12. first impressions are often false.

13. paper cutters do not destroy textured carpets. (again, anyone whose view differs is welcome to try it out for themself in SC-2!)

14. some cats are extremely destructive, disgusting, totally un-cute and too stubborn to be scared of human beings.

15. the female population in lumun can all, with the exception of me of course, prove to be extremely blind and ridiculous when it comes to going crazy over a particular guy! (remember the 'Counter Terrorism' committee director anyone?! for God's sake ladies...ab tu saarey maan jao that he was not hot!!!)

*sigh* but at the end I hafta say that lumun was probably the most fun I've had in a long, long time (a probable reason could be that I just have a very sad life)...now all I need is the courage to start speaking up in front of a room full of people, and then I might have the guts to enter the intra-lums MUN next year!...I seriously doubt it though...*sigh*

April 22, 2005 (part1)

The last sentence in your e-mail told me to listen to 'yaad'...it was supposed to be one last e-mail from you, marking the beginning of our self-imposed ban on talking to one another. Had I known what was to happen just months later, I would never have gone back to being in touch just weeks later. In retrospect, I realise that the futility of that decision and the hasty implementation couldn't have lasted long...we would miss each other too much. But we learnt that the hard way and finally concluded that it was time to reverse things. Little did I know, things would never be the same...

Those eight weeks had changed you, had changed what I meant to you but you never told me. In your mind, you had already degraded me from being your best friend to hardly meaning anything to you, but you never said a word. Perhaps you no longer wanted to spare me any hurt later...I'll never know! The pain, the turmoil, the arguing, the confusion of the next few months was never as apparent and simple to understand as it seems today. The trust you'd forced me to believe in over the past two years blinded me, and veiled the truth. No, you didn't admit it! But you had changed...

Why did it take you four days just to ask me how I was after the accident? That should have indicated something to me...

The misery became vivid, gradually the gap widened...you shoved me further n' further away until 5 weeks ago you made it very clear that everything was lost between us. You had no concern left for me...not as a friend, not even as a human. I was too tired and miserable to retaliate; I gave in silently and we haven't talked eversince...

I thought the pain would never end - the hurt, the despair, the confusion, the tears would never stop. But then just five days were enough to give me perspective...perspective that rang so brutal and true that I was surprised it had taken me so long to see things in such clear light. The way you acted over the quarter break was more than enough. Words weren't needed - the absence of them spoke greater volumes. Unexpectedly, your treatment didn't kill me more bit by bit; it disgusted me instead. The frustration changed to resentment, the tears of hurt into anger...anger so pure and forceful that it shocked me even. What you did probably wrecked the image people had of me. To some, I provided an honest explanation hoping that my sincerity would somehow shine through my eyes and convince them...to others, I said nothing hoping that they'd realise themselves that I had done no wrong. I don't know yet what they think of me...I won't ask. I can't.

(to be continued...!)

Change

Sometimes I like to wonder what the purpose of my life is? I mean, assuming that everyone of us is sent down into this world for some sort of reason - to accomplish something in particular, perhaps, or to stop others from accomplishing something maybe! So, if I want to treat the whole concept purely logically, how am I supposed to place myself?? I ponder...I consider...at times, I even wish...but I have yet to uncover an answer...sometimes I think I was created merely as an ever-lasting reserve of comic relief, just to entertain those around me. But then I realise that even that is a pretty pompous assumption, and before I can come up with a more realistic reasoning of the dire situation I usually find myself enticed by some other equally useless philosophy of my life and that's the end of the 'i have a reason in life' debate!

Surprisingly, today I actually have a somewhat 'real' issue to mull over, if I may take the liberty of considering myself as a topic worthy enough for me to think about...

Actually it's a long story, and probably even more futile-sounding for those poor souls who accidentally lost their path and landed at my blog, so I won't delve into any details. Basically it was someone's curious reaction and expression to seeing me pass them by at university today that caught my attention. Someone who's an old friend's brother, which means that he's been seeing me for years...somehow the message in his fleeting glance was clear; it brought home to me that to an outside observer who's seen me many times before, I have changed. I don't know what about me has changed according to those who think I have, and I'm not even sure if it's true...but, despite not even knowing the authenticity of this opinion, it still saddens me inexplicably...the feeling is unbelievably haunting...confusing, worrying, diconcerting and even hurting....

Have I really changed so much in so little time??!...Or am I merely drowning myself in the search for answers to questions too vague to be conceived...or am I simply being stupid by choosing to think?

How I wish I knew...

And so it begins....

I don't know what finally compelled me to create my own blog...was it the incessant insistence of some of my friends? Was it the urge to just do somethinggg with my life, no matter how useless? Was it the inherent desire to prove to the world that I, too, was born with the capability to write if I wanted to...or was it actually just to see how many people would be stupid enough to read my useless rantings?!!? *sigh* I wish I knew...and more than that, I really wish I knew what I should be writing here...after all, this is my FIRST post on my blog...people might actually read it...first impressions are important according to some, ain't they?!

Right now the first concern that pops into my mind is that I somehow need my 'probability' course book by tomorrow evening...for some reason, all the piracy-promoting stores in Lahore don't have this particular book! I have a quiz day after tomorrow, and I actually told me'self that I'd 'study' this quarter...yeah, I wanna make my parents proud of their 'freshie' daughter!! hehe...yuuup, this whole 'freshie' business! It's another big issue with me these days. Not really with ME actually, more with all those so-called we're-too-cool-for-you sophos and juniors who we've had the misfortune of getting to know thanks to lumun...they just like to believe it's their birth-right or moral obligation to bombard us with their spontaneous anti-'freshie' insults and sarcasm...as if we don't know that the real trouble is that they're too thick to learn our real names *smirk*...but they're our seniors and we ain't allowed to complain or retaliate...*sigh*...I question - is this miserable plight the true picture of an innocent freshman's destiny...???!

*disclaimer* Nothing in this post or the ones that'll follow is meant to offend anyone; everything has been said in a purely sarcastic (hopefully!) and friendly spirit, so please don't take it in any other way :) oh n' anyone who stumbled across this blog and is rolling their eyes right now, please do visit again...I promise I'll get better...c'mon, this was my first shot at it! :)