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Hot tears coursing down frozen cheeks, unashamed and unstoppable. Their raison d'être remains an unyielding mystery, yet it doesn't mean that they cease to be for a long, long time. When it ends, I am as miserable as I was. The hostile truth that hurt no longer flows away, diluted within the rivulets of tears is painful to accept....
this weekend has been torturingly wretched; for some reason, I still don't want it to end. Anything to keep me away from the 'usual' life.
I don't remember very specifically how things were when last year kicked in, but I think (or like to perhaps!) that I started the year on a high. 365 days later that is as far from the present truth as is possible. This new year has marked an all new low note, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Sometimes the inexplicable loneliness and helplessness - and friendlessness -seem almost too difficult to bear, and I wish I could somehow find my way out....
Somewhere during the last year I even went through a horrific 'I don't want to go to LUMS' phase. I never tried explaining the reasons to anyone, simply because I already knew that no one could possibly relate or understand. Except for one person. Except for my only friend.
Ammar always knew and, surprisingly, he never made fun of me even once. Throughout that period of inexplicable fear, bordering on irrationality at times I must admit, the support and understanding never wavered. Unspoken promises were made. Countless assurances. Invaluable reassurances. Repeated conversations that would take the same course...he'd say that university-life was amazing, the best time of one's life. I'd always laugh in response and argue, 'naheeeen bhai, it won't be all that great and uncomplicated! I know I'll hate it!' Aagey se, he'd just smile and say, 'no, I know better than you little sister! I promise I'll make it all special for you...I've told you na I'll be there to make all the scary times bearable and fun. Tum aao tu sahi, phir khud hee dekh lena!' Bus, he'd say that and I would be assured.
...so far, as far as fulfilling all those one-time promises is concerned, he's done a simply remarkable and exemplary job...
this weekend has been torturingly wretched; for some reason, I still don't want it to end. Anything to keep me away from the 'usual' life.
I don't remember very specifically how things were when last year kicked in, but I think (or like to perhaps!) that I started the year on a high. 365 days later that is as far from the present truth as is possible. This new year has marked an all new low note, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Sometimes the inexplicable loneliness and helplessness - and friendlessness -seem almost too difficult to bear, and I wish I could somehow find my way out....
Somewhere during the last year I even went through a horrific 'I don't want to go to LUMS' phase. I never tried explaining the reasons to anyone, simply because I already knew that no one could possibly relate or understand. Except for one person. Except for my only friend.
Ammar always knew and, surprisingly, he never made fun of me even once. Throughout that period of inexplicable fear, bordering on irrationality at times I must admit, the support and understanding never wavered. Unspoken promises were made. Countless assurances. Invaluable reassurances. Repeated conversations that would take the same course...he'd say that university-life was amazing, the best time of one's life. I'd always laugh in response and argue, 'naheeeen bhai, it won't be all that great and uncomplicated! I know I'll hate it!' Aagey se, he'd just smile and say, 'no, I know better than you little sister! I promise I'll make it all special for you...I've told you na I'll be there to make all the scary times bearable and fun. Tum aao tu sahi, phir khud hee dekh lena!' Bus, he'd say that and I would be assured.
...so far, as far as fulfilling all those one-time promises is concerned, he's done a simply remarkable and exemplary job...