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Hot tears coursing down frozen cheeks, unashamed and unstoppable. Their raison d'être remains an unyielding mystery, yet it doesn't mean that they cease to be for a long, long time. When it ends, I am as miserable as I was. The hostile truth that hurt no longer flows away, diluted within the rivulets of tears is painful to accept....

this weekend has been torturingly wretched; for some reason, I still don't want it to end. Anything to keep me away from the 'usual' life.

I don't remember very specifically how things were when last year kicked in, but I think (or like to perhaps!) that I started the year on a high. 365 days later that is as far from the present truth as is possible. This new year has marked an all new low note, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Sometimes the inexplicable loneliness and helplessness - and friendlessness -seem almost too difficult to bear, and I wish I could somehow find my way out....

Somewhere during the last year I even went through a horrific 'I don't want to go to LUMS' phase. I never tried explaining the reasons to anyone, simply because I already knew that no one could possibly relate or understand. Except for one person. Except for my only friend.

Ammar always knew and, surprisingly, he never made fun of me even once. Throughout that period of inexplicable fear, bordering on irrationality at times I must admit, the support and understanding never wavered. Unspoken promises were made. Countless assurances. Invaluable reassurances. Repeated conversations that would take the same course...he'd say that university-life was amazing, the best time of one's life. I'd always laugh in response and argue, 'naheeeen bhai, it won't be all that great and uncomplicated! I know I'll hate it!' Aagey se, he'd just smile and say, 'no, I know better than you little sister! I promise I'll make it all special for you...I've told you na I'll be there to make all the scary times bearable and fun. Tum aao tu sahi, phir khud hee dekh lena!' Bus, he'd say that and I would be assured.

...so far, as far as fulfilling all those one-time promises is concerned, he's done a simply remarkable and exemplary job...

the right answer

Khurram Uncle arrived late last night. Abbu picked him up from the railway station and brought him home around 10:30pm or so. I didn't get much of a chance to talk to him because I was hopelessly engrossed in 'Kartography' which I had made the mistake of starting just a few minutes before he came; I slept early too. I really hope I get to talk to him for a while tonight, or tomorrow morning. He's one of those very rare adults who make you feel like an equal when they talk to you. That's one of the things I really love about him because, other than my parents, hardly any grown-up makes me feel as if they're truly 'listening' to or giving any serious thought to whatever I'm saying. Last time I met him was in Pindi, a couple of months ago. As always, he asked me what major I was inclined towards and, as always, I smiled and candidly said, "I'm not really sure yet." Those five simple words signified my genuine confusion, yet saying them in front of him did not fill me with the usual dread...whenever any grown-up asks me this question (and they often do!) I can already hear the disapproving lilt in their speech which'll soon creep into the following conversation; it never fails!

If I say I haven't decided yet, there follows an indirect lecture on how I'm wasting precious time by being so indecisive. Sometimes, if I dare to elaborate my answer in a nervous attempt to prove that I do at least give the matter serious thought often, worse fate follows! Upon hearing that a major in Social Sciences is something that I am genuinely considering because the subjects invovled deeply interest me, a response is elicited that can not veil the horror in the eyes of my listener. The shame of knowing a youngster who claims to not know, or care much, about her future job prospects ('I don't know what specific sort of job I'll get, but I'm sure there'll be something!') is obvious even if it is not specifically stated. Similarly, the option of majoring in Maths is immediately scorned, and often not even taken seriously enough to invoke a proper response; the grown-up involved usually believes that such an idea is mere folly, and I'll gain my senses myself soon enough. The one answer that receives some appreciation seems to be the probable concept of a major in Economics, but even here there are obstinate differences between the two views. The only reason I would choose this major would be because it is a subject that genuinely interests me... the curiousity that arises and then the satisfaction that I often feel after understanding some previously-unknown concept well enough to appreciate its subtlety is actually enjoyable at times! On the other hand, according to those asking me about my future subject plans, the only reason to opt for Economics is because it potentially promises good financial gains in the long run!

Bottom line is, this is an issue I have been honestly confused and, since recently, worried about because even though 'officially' I still have ample time to make any decision, it is rather unnerving watching everyone else around me know what to do with their education. Besides, not knowing just makes me uncomfortable. I don't like not knowing the 'right' answer to such questions!

On a lighter (and thoroughly unrelated!) note, Asad just told me that his harmonium is due very soon; in fact, within the next day or two he thinks. I sure hope so. He's been waiting so enthusiastically that it's beginning to infect me too, I reckon. I can't wait for it to be ready so that he can bring it...to a home where it will really belong!! :)

déja vu

Last night as I lay awake in bed for countless hours, unable to fall asleep, the sounds of the world gradually began to fade away until they eventually plunged into eerie silence; finally, only the ticking of the wall-clock remained and it soon became ominously loud. I needed to go to sleep and I wanted to as well, but it was as if some mysterious supernatural force was preventing the much-needed slumber. As I continued to lie there in complete silence with the sound of my own breath ringing shallow and ragged in my ears, the futility and frustration of the situation took me back to another time, just months old...

...sometimes the accident seems like it was a whole lifetime ago, so far away from reality that it may never have happened. Other times, it feels like the nightmare was merely yesterday, and the loneliness and fear of those days become hauntingly alive all over again.

Last night, it was the latter.

Suddenly, the flood of terrifying memories rushes back uninvited and unwanted, threatening to overwhelm. The screams that pierced that night now reverberate their unwelcome echoes in my awaiting ears. The image of blood, red and glorious, gushing down the face fearlessly - and almost gracefully - flashes past my eyes once again, leaving me nauseated yet thankful. Each recollection that follows is equal in its grotesque vividness and painful reality.

The misery and confusion that engulfed over the next few days now resurfaces to capture and suffocate again. The realisation of being stranded on an endless, deserted plain with no one to hear the desperate pleas for help returns. I am still held captive by the same shackles that now strain to confine me as I beg for freedom...for mercy...for humanity...... none is granted!

Finally, silence reigns once again.

As the first notes of sunrise begin to appear, the room is gently stroked in the tender, warm hues of morning. I turn to stare into the mirror and the faint yet harsh traces of the scars etched across my face glare back stubbornly. The doctors said they would disappear soon; I knew better even then.

Often I look up to the skies and ask, "Is this all really how You meant it to be?" Unconsciously I wait for some sort of an answer, but none comes.

Sometimes I think even He doesn't have the time to listen to me anymore.

back to the pavilion

I don't know what makes me feel this way, but Eid was quite different this time round...and I'm not sure either if it was good-different or bad-different. We went to Gujranwala on Monday evening and got back home hardly 20 minutes ago. I left Lahore all hyper and expectant, and I've come back extremely unwell and down spirited.

Having been battling half-heartedly against a very high fever, horrible flu, terrible aches n' pains for the past two days, I'm now genuinely worried...worried because the fear of going back to classes and mid-terms in a matter of just three days is now looming large over me like an ominous shadow. Generally, I do not fret over my exams in such a pathetic way but this time it's a different situation altogether! Three consecutive mids next week...and filhaal, I am just way too sick to even try studying; I even summoned up the courage to open my economics book last night but my brain was too woollen and fuzzy to actually comprehend how to calculate even the probabilities of mixed strategies game theory!

I even feel like I've lost my touch (whatever li'l I had!) at writing...*sigh*...May God help me!

a crappy start to the day...

What do you do when......

all you want to do is tell someone that you really care, that you want to be there for them, that you wish they would trust you, that you want more than anything for them to be able to talk to you about what's keeping them down, that you really really want to be a friend....but you just don't have the guts and courage to tell them!!

....I've cried in frustration, gotten angry at myself in desperation, tried convincing myself to go ahead and tell them that I want to listen, but I just CAN NOT!! I mean, what's the worse that can happen? That person will think I'm completely idiotic, never talk to me again and steer clear of me for ever, but at least I'll know that I tried to be a friend when they needed one...

but I still just can't!!

*sigh* is this new year already jinxed?!

regret...

I’ve always believed that regret is one of the most difficult and torturous feelings one can have to deal with. Ironically, knowing this has never caused me to give myself less opportunities to regret something I said or did – or lack of them. Even when I have pondered over the possible dire consequences of something that I want to do and I know it’ll definitely prove to be a risky venture, all of a sudden I’ll give in to all resistances and plunge ahead…even if it means that I might spend the next few days or weeks drowning in wretched regret. I often do.

The latest case of my troublesome spontaneity occurred only yesterday, so tonight is just the beginning of another long haul of wanting to bang my head in the wall purely out of frustration and anger at my own idiotic ness. I spent two whole days, prior to yesterday, simply weighing my options – should I not take any risks and just live without knowing the truth about something that has been irking and puzzling me, or should I succumb to my insatiable curiosity in order to proceed with my careful sleuthing? It sounds terribly vague right now, but I dare not delve into the grotesque details :) The risk of losing the battle of wills to my curio may sound even more foolish to an impartial observer, but to me it mattered a lot– and still does! The fear of creating a false, untrue impression of myself in front of someone who doesn’t know me well was supreme; the opinion they would be bound to form of me after my little inquisitiveness-session would certainly be derogatory, and I would be unjustified to blame them for it. So… in other words, I had a lot to lose, and next to nothing to gain…

Knowing all that, yesterday I faltered – as usual!! I purposely caused someone to think I am strange and peculiar… and just plain weird! Most people I know will say that I shouldn’t care about what other people think of me, because their opinions don’t matter…I already know that! Usually, it really doesn’t make any difference. But sometimes it does. With some people, it’s just different. What they think of me does concern me and I can’t help it…

But I lost the chance I had…I caused a permanent scar, which I know I will regret for a long, long time. The regret shrouds me tighter and tighter like a relentless vise that does not let go, no matter how much I beg and plead. It is suffocating, it is merciless. I try to forget and run away but it does not let me. It mocks at me as I raise my hands in desperation, begging for it to go away. It jeers at my futile efforts to wipe it from my soul…it is immortal, invincible in its unparalleled glory…...

while I am only human.

random musings...incoherent ramblings...

Sitting hunched in front of the computer right now, dressed in a shockingly weird attire that consists of my lumun t-shirt and the green shalwar I was wearing this morning, accompanied by a beat-up old sweater and a shawl wrapped around my head and a hot water bottle in my lap (for anyone who’s wondering…no, this is NOT my everyday wear; such fancies are reserved for special occasions only! :P) I’m wondering in utter confusion what compelled me to say all that glorious stuff about winters and its mornings just the other day!!? I mean, what on earth was I thinking?! It is that same oh-so beautiful chill that has bestowed me with this oh-so desirable flu…not to mention the splitting headache, inability to breathe and stinging throat that constitute the complimentary part of the package!

Thanks to this pathetic plight of mine caused so mercilessly by the weather, I managed to accomplish a new feat yesterday - I royally messed up three ENTIRE quizzes… within a span of 6 short hours, to be precise! Commendable effort, if I may allow myself to say so! Oh alright, I’ll admit I’m looking for illogical excuses to indulge myself in self-pity…the 3-quiz catastrophe was caused by a simple mixture of brain malfunction, lack of preparation and sheer blindness when attempting the questions! *shudder* That sure was painful acceptance. But to my credit, the economics quiz was one which I had ACTUALLY studied for…quite a bit, in fact, so it was honestly a touch disappointing.

Oh well, who really cares – filhaal, I have a mid coming up in less than 48 hours so I should be focusing my energy and mind (whatever’s left of it, at least, after the thrashing it’s been enduring at the hands of four brutal courses and a sickening flu!) on all the possible ways of screwing that up! Now THAT’S what I call meticulous utilisation of precious time, right?!

Anyway, what I’ve been blabbering on about for the last few minutes isn’t even remotely connected to anything that’s really on my mind tonight. What is actually bothering me is nothing that can be explained or expressed. What plagues me is a mixture of fear and guilt…what of, they ask? I don’t really know myself. I wish I did though. This constant worry, this incessant anguish is uncalled for. It is troublesome yet strangely comforting. I feel confused about so much, yet I cannot search for answers. Tonight, I have little hopes and dreams… I know they will not last, yet I hang on to them. I don’t know what is happening. I don’t know what is about to happen. I don’t know what it is that I am waiting for, but I know it is something…and here, alone, I wait…scared but outwardly indifferent, thrilled but curiously detached, deserted but hauntingly calm…when the time comes, I will know…