Past, present...and future?

I need to redefine the word ‘family’ in my mind’s dictionary. Somehow I was naïve enough to believe until recently that the word includes your parents, siblings and your relatives. After all, they’re the people you grew up knowing… the friends you never had to search for, the people you trusted implicitly, who you’d stand up for and fiercely protect without a second thought, who’d love you for the person you really are, who you looked up to for guidance and ideals, in front of whom you never had to put up an act because they’d never judge you since they knew the real ‘you’…sometimes I wonder why I never realised that none of the façade was true.

Sometimes I laugh at myself for being such a simpleton that I actually believed that the sanctity of such a relationship would be as important to everyone else as it’s always been to me. Maybe I should thank the Lord for showing me the truth much before it could cause any permanent damage. Knowing what people think still hurts, especially when they don’t have the courage to say it out loud, but not knowing would hurt even worse…life has gone back to erecting an invisible barrier around oneself to shield against all of those people who smile with their lips and not their eyes, because their eyes look only with suspicion and greed…

Lies that have been repeated over and over again till the point where they become stale beliefs..accepted without question, revered without understanding. Hatred that has been etched so meticulously that its falseness is no longer an issue anyone would pay attention to. The pretence veiled so skillfully beneath layers and layers of hypocrisy that no one would ever guess their true intentions…their real motives…the lies, deceit, narrow minded beliefs… maybe the fact that I somehow know is no mere coincidence; maybe the person that it’s all meant for somehow knows. I’ve played my part in the disgusting circus by acting nonchalant and unconcerned, perfected by months and months of practice to the point where my subtlety and complete lack of feeling has begun to convince myself even. I know it’s futile, yet I remain shrouded within the dark cloud of indifference because it’s the easiest escape route. The only escape route.

I have to go on fighting – quietly, stealthily, alone. I have to. I have to. To hang on to the last thread…the only thing keeping me hanging from the brink. Of insanity.